I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
