i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
