We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
