ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
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We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
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