Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
