I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
They took my balls.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
