My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
