I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
