i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
