Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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