I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
