He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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