Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
