the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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