You smell like a Billy Joel song
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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