Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
