I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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