Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
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Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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