cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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