hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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