My hair reeks of homosexuality.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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