Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
