i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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