He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
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And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
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I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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