I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
