Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
