I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
