My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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