I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
