im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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