You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
