I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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