the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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