I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
