I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
