I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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