I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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