I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My ATM looks so different sober.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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