It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
