Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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