Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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