Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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