I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
