Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
