how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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