jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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