Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
