Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
