He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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