I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
