when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
