I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
