I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
