I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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