oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Found your dick twin last night
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
