I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
